dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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