imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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