Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
