Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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