I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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