peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
