my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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