things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
