i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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