I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
