Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My pussy is not your playground.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
