sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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