i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
This is the high leading the old right now
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Randomize
