so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
