i think my tv is drunk
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
