I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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