I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize