My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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