if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
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