At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
