so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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