i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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