so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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