Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
