At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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