I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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