I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
50% drunk capacity currently
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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