she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
as a side note pls kill me
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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