i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
