I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
