I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's blow job season.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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