So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize