I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
