she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
