My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
