i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize