i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
