If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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