This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
