If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
