I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
