Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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