So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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