i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
