I hate all girls vehemently.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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