dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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