Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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