I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
