then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
