we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
