Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
