There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
