he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
