I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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