I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize