i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
