I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
