Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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