Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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