But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
