All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
