Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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