That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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