i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
