I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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