New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The struggles of a small town man whore
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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