Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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