I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
YAS. BRING CRAB.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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