if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
