she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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