If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Randomize
