He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
