And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
