just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
