You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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