i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
